My Work With Fear

Oh yes. The constant reoccurring theme that has the perfectionist and need-to-control person that I am, experiencing in high dosages lately. I’ve been working on this by talking to friends, energy healers, reading websites, going through books, meditating on, journaling on, tapping on… etc. I’m paralyzed by it in more ways then one and on so many levels. I have been really making the effort with loving kindness and a more mindful way, to release those blockages. I have been praying for ways of witnessing my fears and stepping out on the other side of it. As a friend recently quoted to me, moving towards ‘giving it wings so it transforms into courage’.

I’ve begun to see the repercussions of letting fear hold me back. Completely breakdown of relationships, barriers I create with friends that I do dearly love, making it harder for  new people to get to know me, lost opportunities in work and businesses. The thing is, I KNOW everyone has fear. I am in AWE with how they maneuver life despite having it. Unfortunately, I am that person who wants their specific formula, steps, instructions etc so that I may follow it to a T. My thoughts are “well shit, if it worked for them, it will definitely work for me. I just have to do EXACTLY what they did to be as successful as them”. Why more so now then ever? I’ve always functioned and lived in fear, but then it was because I was playing safe. I was in my bunker and I kept the brave facade up. Now that I want to step into the world, BE present, BE mindful, CREATE intentions and LIVE these intentions, all the ways I’ve tried to play safe is showing me how much I created a lifestyle of avoidance, running away, blocking, pushing back and shutting down.

So, here I am. Traversing this path of insecurities, blockages, fear. I’m also traveling with more intention to clear those blockages, appreciate the fear but not be ruled by it, look at my insecurities and lovingly help ease them out. Here I am sitting in my meditations and placing my hands over my heart and saying that I do love myself, I forgive myself, I am compassionate and patient with myself, and that I am peace with myself. Here I am learning to sit in my fear and say ‘thank you for trying to protect me, but I am strong enough to do”.

Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. *Deep breath* Here. I. AM.

Mirror Mirror — Part 2

Now I’m looking into the mirror and searching. So now what?

How do I stop the expectations from morphing into judgements? What is it that people say? “You judge in others what you dislike in yourself“. True, but I want to take it a step further. We also tend to judge others because of the high expectations that we believe ourselves to live by. We self righteously think that if we are able to do this and that, why can’t others? That they are somehow dumber, meaner, inconsiderate, less of something in comparison to you. I am working very hard with the latter concept in regards to the level of respect I feel that I am not recieving (in equal accordance), to the amount I give. In my more fleeting enlightened moments, I know that it is very pompous of me because it creates feelings of anger, insult, of being offended, disregarded, demeaned or demoralize. But what I discover mostly to be true, is that people have absolutely no clue what they have done, failed to do or are doing something that has hurt or angered you. When I have the gumption to confront someone with even just one of these issues, I get a very surprised response of why I would even view the situation as such. Worse yet is when I’ve lashed out suddenly and unexpectedly, thus as a consequence, the emotions flooding out hits at full force. Woe to the person who is the recipient and therefore another one of my not so stellar moments.

So I am coming clean. I truthfully judge people by my insecurities and things I see in others that I dislike of myself. I mostly judge others by the standards I keep and therefore something I always struggle with. The questions and justifications I get has me thinking “Aren’t we suppose to have standards? Can expectations be a good thing?” I don’t know and I’m working through it. I don’t have any answers because I am constantly falling off the path to living the nonjudgemental and loving way.

I do, however, consider myself lucky to have a couple of close friends who can lovingly remind me of some of my mis-actions. Do I get mad when they do so? Yes, but it gently nudges me back in the direction of really making the effort to take pause and reflect. In doing this, you will have to step away to look at the bigger picture. Me, I tend to run even further back because I still can’t see it or even get it. My anger and resentment is clouding the whole process. Yes, I get that it’s a life long process. I just don’t like how I feel when those times pop up.

In the end, the tiny grain of knowledge I get is this: When we have high expectations and standards, we set ourselves up to fail miserably and for others to deeply disappoint you. One can only do the best they can, so trudge on fellow judgers. Because even if we are just slightly improving from the week before, it’s that much better then not having had changed at all.

Mirror Mirror — Part 1 (The male and female aspects of expectations according to moi)

Mirror Mirror

177/365 Who Are You?

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who am I really when I judge them all?

As much as I try to grow spiritually, I still judge others. My bad…

Sunday’s Energy workshop was amazing. I was able to make a breakthrough after the finish of the class. It’s something that has been simmering beneath the slightly calm exterior that is me. Well… It suddenly burst through when I sat down with Rachel. I was surprised at the intensity of my feelings on it and relieved to a certain extent as well. So what was it? The conflict between my masculine and feminine side.

Let me give you a bit of background. I always thought that I was supposed to be perfect because I was expected to be so and being the oldest, I took that task to heart BIG TIME. So in my mind, perfection meant taking care of everyone, not crying, never showing your pain or sadness, excelling in anything you put your mind to. Being smart and not having one stupid moment in your life. Get the picture? So in my mind, that meant that I had to be masculine, because men were stoic and tough right?! Therefore it goes to follow that I had to take on the male qualities of analytical thought, heavy on the commonsense, competitiveness, ready to rumble when it came to anyone questioning my ability to do, feel and say ANYTHING.

Unfortunately, I view femininity as weakness, so anything that display even the slightly bit of mush and weakness would get me so angry. I was more infuriated at myself when I failed to maintain a ‘tough’ exterior. I was beside’s myself with self loathing when I didn’t kick enough ass and take enough numbers. I was practically seething with pent-up rage by the time my long-term relationship combusted. One of the many reasons it became unsustainable? I was too masculine in the relationship. Meaning, too strong.

What?!

But a man likes a decisive woman right? I thought that they liked a smart one who was constantly on the path to intellectual growth? Who could party like the boys? Who was one of the guys and so forth and so on?

umm. No. Not if it starts up showing them and you are too masculine. I started becoming belligerent. Condescending. Patronizing. I was disgusted with any form of feminine qualities in others, therefore I hated it even more in me. I even thought my mom was weak because of all the softness, compassion and understanding that she was. I was angry at her for being ‘too womanly’ and furious at my dad for being ‘super machismo’, which ends in a completely stupid stalemate. Nobody was going to win this one and no one did.

Valuable lesson learned though. Everything I thought I was supposed to be and do got shoved back onto my face. There was another harder aspect to it too though… realizing when the men weren’t strong and not blaming myself for their own issues on it, but that is another post isn’t it?

So, in a long-winded manner, I basically was judging my female friends, relatives, coworkers, etc on beliefs that I held myself to. To realize that is a bit of a slam. Massive humble pie, in fact and let me tell you, I am eating A LOT of humble pie right now.

Judging encompasses so much though right? But it all pretty much seems to stem from what you personally think, should be and shouldn’t be. When you see it not being done, or perhaps done in the ‘wrong’ way by someone else, all your fears get brightly and clearly reflected back to you. Most of the time, we shield our eyes from it or turn away. People, even go into full on denial as they are fully staring at the very thing that mirrors their insecurities.

I still am working on my mirror. I’m working on removing the blocks of denial. It’s a lot of work emotionally and psychologically but there really isn’t anyone else to really blame is there? In the end, it you who is accountable to that person you see in the mirror. You.