My Work With Fear

Oh yes. The constant reoccurring theme that has the perfectionist and need-to-control person that I am, experiencing in high dosages lately. I’ve been working on this by talking to friends, energy healers, reading websites, going through books, meditating on, journaling on, tapping on… etc. I’m paralyzed by it in more ways then one and on so many levels. I have been really making the effort with loving kindness and a more mindful way, to release those blockages. I have been praying for ways of witnessing my fears and stepping out on the other side of it. As a friend recently quoted to me, moving towards ‘giving it wings so it transforms into courage’.

I’ve begun to see the repercussions of letting fear hold me back. Completely breakdown of relationships, barriers I create with friends that I do dearly love, making it harder for  new people to get to know me, lost opportunities in work and businesses. The thing is, I KNOW everyone has fear. I am in AWE with how they maneuver life despite having it. Unfortunately, I am that person who wants their specific formula, steps, instructions etc so that I may follow it to a T. My thoughts are “well shit, if it worked for them, it will definitely work for me. I just have to do EXACTLY what they did to be as successful as them”. Why more so now then ever? I’ve always functioned and lived in fear, but then it was because I was playing safe. I was in my bunker and I kept the brave facade up. Now that I want to step into the world, BE present, BE mindful, CREATE intentions and LIVE these intentions, all the ways I’ve tried to play safe is showing me how much I created a lifestyle of avoidance, running away, blocking, pushing back and shutting down.

So, here I am. Traversing this path of insecurities, blockages, fear. I’m also traveling with more intention to clear those blockages, appreciate the fear but not be ruled by it, look at my insecurities and lovingly help ease them out. Here I am sitting in my meditations and placing my hands over my heart and saying that I do love myself, I forgive myself, I am compassionate and patient with myself, and that I am peace with myself. Here I am learning to sit in my fear and say ‘thank you for trying to protect me, but I am strong enough to do”.

Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. *Deep breath* Here. I. AM.

Today

 

Today I am working to clear things.

I mean working very hard and very thoughtfully at it. One can try in a halfass way, but then one can put all their intentions, all their heart, all their hopes that they can finally burn away and release the past.

It’s been trying. Like everyone else out there, you wonder if you are making the right choices. “Was it better that I ended that relationship?”, “Did I do right by being my more authentic self?”, “Will I be accepted for who I am and will I be able to handle not being so, by some?” etc.

35 +/- years I’ve been working on something. Rather chewing on it, burying it, being trapped by it. Hating it. Being sad by it. I’ve decided to look one huge demon in the face and just accept that it is what it is and what happened is now past. I’ve made it’s very existence the sculptress of my life. Now to hold myself accountable in a great number of life choices where I had made certain decisions just in an effort to detach, deny, distance myself from what was. Do you know that the harder you try to ignore, the harder you actually have to work at just holding all that at bay? It’s tiring and I’m ready to work through it.

I don’t know where this will lead, but I know that is will be infinitely better then what I’ve been doing. I can honestly say that I am learning to be at peace with my Mara.

OM

Responsibility

I’ve been grappling with this topic during my time away from here because I didn’t know how to articulate how I feel. The question is this, “What is my responsibility to others?” The basic ones I know are that of ‘Do no harm to others’ and ‘Love your fellow brothers and sisters’.

Ahem. Can I love them from afar. Love them as human beings, but cut my connection to them with those thoughts in mind? I mean, isn’t love of one’s self more important? Because honestly, if I continue to keep on trying with these people in my life, I will have no more for myself. Most of my emotional efforts get diverted to their stories. It’s rather draining. Suddenly, I started getting ‘messages’ in many forms: quotes, stories, images, discussions etc. The one that stuck most with me was this Parable.

The fable begins with a man wrestling with his own thoughts about his future and what choices he wants to make about his life.

After much contemplation, he achieves great clarity and is excited about the vision he can see for his life. He starts off on the journey to his future. He must travel to another town where an amazing opportunity has presented itself but he must get there by the next morning or the opportunity will pass. He travels many hours, each step getting more excited about the life he is creating. As the full moon rises, he is alone in his thoughts as he starts crossing a bridge.

The man sees out of the corner of his eye a stranger coming towards him. He thinks the man approaching is putting his hand out to greet him. However, the stranger has the end of a rope in his hand with the other end wound around his waist. The stranger asks the man to hold the end of the rope. Although perplexed, the man complies. The stranger asks the man to hold on tight with two hands and then promptly jumps off the bridge toward the swift running deep river below.

“Hold on!” the stranger cries.

The free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. He held tight despite being almost pulled over the side of the bridge. Peering down at the stranger who was close to oblivion, the man yelled, “What are you trying to do?”

“Just hold tight,” said the other.

The man tried to haul the stranger in but he could not. He could not get enough leverage. His strength was almost perfectly counterbalanced by the other man’s weight.

“Why did you do this?” the man called out. “Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.”

“But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried. “Just hold on. I need you,” the stranger yells.

The man looked around for help, but no one was near. The man holds on for a while, and then calls, “Please, I cannot hold you. Please climb up.”

“I am your responsibility,” said the other. “Well, I did not ask for it,” the man said. The stranger cried, “If you let go, I am lost.”

The man tried to invent solutions, like tying the rope to the bridge, but could not find any that would work. Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist. He thought if he just waited long enough, someone was bound to come and help pull the stranger up. He waited many hours, but no one came.

“Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?”

“Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.”

Time passed and a decision needed to be made. The man could not hold on much longer. A thought occurred to him. If the stranger hauled himself up and he kept the end steady and pulled a bit, together they could get the stranger back to safety. But the other wasn’t interested.

“You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either.” “You must try,” the other shouted back in tears. “If you fail, I die.”

More time passed and finally, the point of decision arrived. The man said to the other, “Listen to me. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life, I hereby give back to you.”

“What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid.

“I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will help you if you help yourself.”

“You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.”

The man stated again, “I will not stand here and hold this rope. If you want to live, you must start moving now, and I will help you. Please, start now.”

He waited a few minutes, but there was no change in the tension of the rope. “I accept your choice,” the man said, at last, and freed his hands.

By the late Rabbi Edwin Friedman

This one has struck me the most because of how much of a reaction it creates in me. I feel like I am holding many ropes and have been taking responsibility for other people’s choices. Yes, I did put myself in this position initially, but now, I want to let go of all of them. I am trying to figure out how to do so in a loving way. What I want to do now is surround myself with people who take responsibility for their own actions. People who know that responsibility is something that first starts with themselves and not something passed onto others.