Today

 

Today I am working to clear things.

I mean working very hard and very thoughtfully at it. One can try in a halfass way, but then one can put all their intentions, all their heart, all their hopes that they can finally burn away and release the past.

It’s been trying. Like everyone else out there, you wonder if you are making the right choices. “Was it better that I ended that relationship?”, “Did I do right by being my more authentic self?”, “Will I be accepted for who I am and will I be able to handle not being so, by some?” etc.

35 +/- years I’ve been working on something. Rather chewing on it, burying it, being trapped by it. Hating it. Being sad by it. I’ve decided to look one huge demon in the face and just accept that it is what it is and what happened is now past. I’ve made it’s very existence the sculptress of my life. Now to hold myself accountable in a great number of life choices where I had made certain decisions just in an effort to detach, deny, distance myself from what was. Do you know that the harder you try to ignore, the harder you actually have to work at just holding all that at bay? It’s tiring and I’m ready to work through it.

I don’t know where this will lead, but I know that is will be infinitely better then what I’ve been doing. I can honestly say that I am learning to be at peace with my Mara.

OM