SHARDS

I forget

how much

I had integrated our future together

.

.

So much so

That I am greatly surprised

At the small pieces

I find scattered

.

.

.

.

.

Long after

that vision had shattered

.

.

Deeply embedded

Within parts of me

Still

Empathy

It’s a word I’m relearning again.

Now as a first-year student in a Masters program in Clinical Counseling, I am understanding and experiencing that word in a different way.

What I am learning is:

  • How to just listen. Truly listen. I keep thinking that I am finally better at listening to only find out that I’m just partially doing so. I realize that I am still ready to talk in some points, to interrupt and interject my thoughts/opinions. It’s been an interesting experience in really noticing where listening ends and waiting for your turn to talk actually begins.
  • How to give space. This goes hand in hand with listening for me at this point. I’m still working on it, but the act of holding space was something that always alluded me until this year. I’m a  literal person who needs specifics so this didn’t make sense to me for a long time. I always asked someone who would state that “I’m holding space for…” just exactly what did that looked and feel like? How did you set about doing so? It’s amazing how the communication and how empathy easily fills up that container when you do give someone that space to ‘BE’.
  • How to witness. This is the other part of the ingredients of listening and giving space when having empathy. To be SEEN and to see others is such an amazing gift (at least it is for me). There are times where I can’t speak in my deep sadness, but being seen is enough while someone is holding that space for me. Listening to the silence together without the need to fill it is akin to being held without someone pushing through my invisible boundaries. I deeply appreciate it and I want to be able to give that to someone.
  • To Honor Where Someone Is At. This is something I’ve struggled with immensely in my younger years and I think will always do so, to a certain point. I do know that it’s loosened quite a bit though. I’m learning that I’m actually making it about me when I rush someone, to expect them to heal or learn or accept as fast as I do. That I am not respecting their pace, their healing process, their space.

There are more, but it’s all slowly working to fit in with each other more comfortably. I’m simply thankful for what I am learning now. I love the softness it is giving me as these concepts and the edges I’ve purposely kept sharp. I love the speed I’m slowing down to because I am actually learning how to take it in. I may not be able to yet fully understand, but I’m getting there. I’m also learning that I may not ever understand and I’m getting ok with being ok with that.

Regardless, I’m grateful for this journey, the ups and downs because the experience of it all is where the shifting is happening. I’m becoming more of the ME I always wanted to be outside of everyone’s expectation of me. The ME that I knew was always in there afraid to be hurt. That ME is stepping out more and also allowing herself to ‘BE’.

Peace.

At A Loss

Those three words capture how I feel at the moment.

I’m at a loss to move through various forms of grief.

I’m at a loss to explain to my friends and family how I feel.

I’m at a loss at how to handling what is beginning to trigger me and so many women because not looking at my Social Media and newsfeed still doesn’t shut out the images and what is going on.

I’m at a loss how to comfort my friends because I can’t even comfort myself after a friend’s untimely and sudden passing this past weekend.

I’m at a loss on how to interact with the outside world so I stay indoors.

I’m at a loss because the loss is all that seems to be the common denominator.

Loss of trust in the system.

Loss of trust in some people.

Loss of belief.

Loss of friends.

Loss of common decency in respecting human’s basic rights growing out there.

Working to move to the meditation mat from where I sit in the kitchen. Something so simple as getting up and walking a few feet away has become a difficult action. I still weighed down by everything.

I will make my way there though. Even if it’s just to still there as well.

I will…

Not Who I Thought I Was

At least a few aspects of myself.

I feel so out of my element. No longer as someone who thinks she is in control of her life at least. Now, I feel like I am at the mercy of everything and it’s still unsettling. I go from bouts of accepting it as is and feel like I can let go of the rails to completely death gripping so I don’t fall.

This internal conflict is exhausting.

I feel like I am in the middle point of these symbolic throes of death. Instead of one skin, it feels like several all at once and with them, the aspects of me I thought I was going to keep.

I haven’t been consistent with my meditation and I know that it has been something that has helped ground me. It’s also a mirror of sorts and I feel like I’m already banging into a couple dozen. So… I’m going to look for a gym and hopefully get to work out the excess energy and be able to sit with myself. To see what comes up, learn to detach from it and let it be on it’s way. Get rid of the clutter that feels like my head and then, maybe I’ll be able to see myself more clearly with lots of love, compassion and understanding.

NEW

Here I am again. Let’s try this out for the umpteenth time.

Plus I really should be writing my research paper right now, but I feel that I just needed to unload a number of things off my chest, mind, heart etc.

So much has obviously happened since my last post.

  • I’m almost done with my first semester in my Clinical Counseling program.
  • I’m now living in a new state.
  • I’m unemployed and have been looking heavily for a job related either to what I use to do or will go into
  • I’m still on this journey with my spirituality
  • No longer doing hair, had entered the corporate setting roughly two plus years ago.
  • Still rolling in the single life but started contemplating dating again.

There are more things but they all kinda melt into the other stuff so I’ll just touch on them there later in another post (maybe).

The past couple of years has been interesting, Lots of growth opportunities, but the most interesting one is what has been happening in the past month.

Let’s just say that it’s a practice in not running away. That is in me not running away. Yup, being super honest and vulnerable here. There are three mini super stressful events that occurred after upending myself from one state to move to another. No need to go into details, but the huge take away for me is that I bolt.

I mean, literally get the fuck out of Dodge when I feel like everything is crumbling and blowing up.

It’s been eye opening, embarrassing, humbling, humiliating and awkward. It’s also been a great learning experience, a quick growth of sorts, a blessing in disguise (I’m still rolling around with that one – I know it… I just don’t feel it right now), and crisis/resiliency building medicine for me. The people involved have been teaching me that sometimes shit happens and yes both sides are upset and freaked out, even very angry. Yet, they always have said ‘Don’t move out and leave, we can work this out.’

What? Seriously? Who are these people and how in the world did I come to have them as friends? They are providing me with this amazing support and dropping some knowledge. All in the midst of this crisis we are all in. Really, most people would have, at least in my mind, told me to just pick up and please go. Not them, each time it was ‘We can work this out, don’t bolt.’

We are still reeling a bit from the experiences, but their amazing capacity for compassion, forgiveness and understanding of the situation that was out of our hands just astounds me. They are transforming the way I think and currently know how to process crisis situation. They are teaching me strength and fortitude. They are sharing their love and pulling us all together despite what is happening.

I was wondering why the Universe made our mini group come together all in a span of 3 weeks so easily from living in one state in another household to the new state I am settling in with a bigger household. This is it I think. To teach me that ‘Really, we can work things out and that sometimes, shit just happens’. How we react and face the challenges is what shapes us and helps us to grow into better beings.

I’m really new to this, but I’m here. I’m beginning to trust that this is what was meant to happen and that I am getting a gift of this medicine, but most of all, the gift of these people (and their huge loving hearts) in my life.

Expansion

What a word.

Expansion: n. The action of becoming larger or more extensive.  – or- A thing formed by the enlargement, broadening, or development of something.

 

I’m in expansion… and sometimes contraction. Mostly, I hope, expansion.

I’m trying to see beyond myself, whilst I focus on me. Meaning… take care of myself, love myself, support myself, but be more than what I am because I know that I am already that. I just need my head to get over it’s own self imposed limitations and skip out into the beyond where I already am. Actually, pretty much where all of us are.

We are so much more then we make ourselves to be. It’s so much easier to tell someone else that because you are able to see their potential. You sometimes feel like you could see what they can or should be. So you encourage them to take that step into the unknown because while clouds block their ability to see their own truly larger then life self, you see them in all their magnificences.

When it comes to ourselves, it’s obviously harder. I’m not talking about the million dollar plus home, fancy car, high-powered job and lavish lifestyle possibility. I’m talking about the ability to trust that the Universe, God, Higher Power, The Divine one etc (What ever makes you feel connected) has our backs. That we can step out of our current state of mind and into the bigger expanse of it all. Where every thing is as it should be.

I know I’ll get flack for this, but even the crappy things… I’m learning, put me in a place of expansion (Which we either grow and learn from the experience) – which I try my best to choose – or we go into a place of contraction (Which where we can shut down and push away).  It’s hard work! I know it is and there are times where I slide back 20 steps. Some things do feel harder to forgive, feel love for, or compassion towards. Sometimes, you are just working on not hating what happened and/or that person(s) just so you can get to even thinking of forgiving.

So I try to expand… I’m trying to transition into something. I’m trying to fill the space of myself with myself authentically. Be my full potential because my friends, as each year passes by for me, the years seem to move faster and faster. You begin to truly understand just how SHORT your time is here. So here I go, tilting into the void more and just stretching out into it.

Guided Poetry #1

 

Enter open eyes

Unseen

Return to me

My Saturn’s ring

Upscale lover

do I believe

Hunter’s green

sing chords to me

 

Open open eyes

unseen

Blue sky does gloss

two lips

in sync

Heart to heart

do I believe

True love’s arms

do let

me be

 

Open open

two eyes I see

Heart to heart

do you believe?

True love’s love

did do me in

One to one does my

beat

Beat

 

Eyes to eyes

do now we see

Two lips to lips

blow kiss

to me

Hot head heavy

do not me be

Heart Heart bleeds

be true to me

 

Turn now over

We lead the deed

One heart tree

We plant in me

Water tears

with not the sea

But dreams of dreams

be bedded

through me.

 

April 11 2015 – Euryale Gadin