I forget
how much
I had integrated our future together
.
.
So much so
That I am greatly surprised
At the small pieces
I find scattered
.
.
.
.
.
Long after
that vision had shattered
.
.
Deeply embedded
Within parts of me
Still
It’s a word I’m relearning again.
Now as a first-year student in a Masters program in Clinical Counseling, I am understanding and experiencing that word in a different way.
What I am learning is:
There are more, but it’s all slowly working to fit in with each other more comfortably. I’m simply thankful for what I am learning now. I love the softness it is giving me as these concepts and the edges I’ve purposely kept sharp. I love the speed I’m slowing down to because I am actually learning how to take it in. I may not be able to yet fully understand, but I’m getting there. I’m also learning that I may not ever understand and I’m getting ok with being ok with that.
Regardless, I’m grateful for this journey, the ups and downs because the experience of it all is where the shifting is happening. I’m becoming more of the ME I always wanted to be outside of everyone’s expectation of me. The ME that I knew was always in there afraid to be hurt. That ME is stepping out more and also allowing herself to ‘BE’.
Peace.
Those three words capture how I feel at the moment.
I’m at a loss to move through various forms of grief.
I’m at a loss to explain to my friends and family how I feel.
I’m at a loss at how to handling what is beginning to trigger me and so many women because not looking at my Social Media and newsfeed still doesn’t shut out the images and what is going on.
I’m at a loss how to comfort my friends because I can’t even comfort myself after a friend’s untimely and sudden passing this past weekend.
I’m at a loss on how to interact with the outside world so I stay indoors.
I’m at a loss because the loss is all that seems to be the common denominator.
Loss of trust in the system.
Loss of trust in some people.
Loss of belief.
Loss of friends.
Loss of common decency in respecting human’s basic rights growing out there.
Working to move to the meditation mat from where I sit in the kitchen. Something so simple as getting up and walking a few feet away has become a difficult action. I still weighed down by everything.
I will make my way there though. Even if it’s just to still there as well.
I will…
At least a few aspects of myself.
I feel so out of my element. No longer as someone who thinks she is in control of her life at least. Now, I feel like I am at the mercy of everything and it’s still unsettling. I go from bouts of accepting it as is and feel like I can let go of the rails to completely death gripping so I don’t fall.
This internal conflict is exhausting.
I feel like I am in the middle point of these symbolic throes of death. Instead of one skin, it feels like several all at once and with them, the aspects of me I thought I was going to keep.
I haven’t been consistent with my meditation and I know that it has been something that has helped ground me. It’s also a mirror of sorts and I feel like I’m already banging into a couple dozen. So… I’m going to look for a gym and hopefully get to work out the excess energy and be able to sit with myself. To see what comes up, learn to detach from it and let it be on it’s way. Get rid of the clutter that feels like my head and then, maybe I’ll be able to see myself more clearly with lots of love, compassion and understanding.
Here I am again. Let’s try this out for the umpteenth time.
Plus I really should be writing my research paper right now, but I feel that I just needed to unload a number of things off my chest, mind, heart etc.
So much has obviously happened since my last post.
There are more things but they all kinda melt into the other stuff so I’ll just touch on them there later in another post (maybe).
The past couple of years has been interesting, Lots of growth opportunities, but the most interesting one is what has been happening in the past month.
Let’s just say that it’s a practice in not running away. That is in me not running away. Yup, being super honest and vulnerable here. There are three mini super stressful events that occurred after upending myself from one state to move to another. No need to go into details, but the huge take away for me is that I bolt.
I mean, literally get the fuck out of Dodge when I feel like everything is crumbling and blowing up.
It’s been eye opening, embarrassing, humbling, humiliating and awkward. It’s also been a great learning experience, a quick growth of sorts, a blessing in disguise (I’m still rolling around with that one – I know it… I just don’t feel it right now), and crisis/resiliency building medicine for me. The people involved have been teaching me that sometimes shit happens and yes both sides are upset and freaked out, even very angry. Yet, they always have said ‘Don’t move out and leave, we can work this out.’
What? Seriously? Who are these people and how in the world did I come to have them as friends? They are providing me with this amazing support and dropping some knowledge. All in the midst of this crisis we are all in. Really, most people would have, at least in my mind, told me to just pick up and please go. Not them, each time it was ‘We can work this out, don’t bolt.’
We are still reeling a bit from the experiences, but their amazing capacity for compassion, forgiveness and understanding of the situation that was out of our hands just astounds me. They are transforming the way I think and currently know how to process crisis situation. They are teaching me strength and fortitude. They are sharing their love and pulling us all together despite what is happening.
I was wondering why the Universe made our mini group come together all in a span of 3 weeks so easily from living in one state in another household to the new state I am settling in with a bigger household. This is it I think. To teach me that ‘Really, we can work things out and that sometimes, shit just happens’. How we react and face the challenges is what shapes us and helps us to grow into better beings.
I’m really new to this, but I’m here. I’m beginning to trust that this is what was meant to happen and that I am getting a gift of this medicine, but most of all, the gift of these people (and their huge loving hearts) in my life.
That is what I have been guided to do this year. Is to clear as much as possible. First, let me explain.
The past year has been heavy peeling back and sloughing off of layers, but you know what I end up discovering after one layer is pulled back? Exactly, that I have even more underneath. I’m trying to come to grips with the reality that I will be peeling back layers until it’s time for me to expire from this place. HUGELY disappointing realization in my missteps to enlightenment. I mean, who the hell did I think I was? That… I’m actually still trying to figure out. One thing for sure is that I didn’t think it would be much harder work then I already felt it to be. I KNOW I’m doing better, but it’s like that movie sequence you sometimes see. You know when someone is running down the hall and they think they are about to reach the other end of if it when it suddenly shoots out to become even longer and the other end even further out then the last time? Yeah.. that. I hate that.
So, in my work of peeling and peeling and peeling, I’m getting blessed with interpersonal insights at a faster rate. The biggest one is that of Clearing. Really just changing and letting go. Clearing things on the physical level, such as getting rid of as much of my personal belongings as possible. It’s been interesting in that the desire is there, but the action just doesn’t match the desire. It’s been like having to break up with every single thing. I’ve embedded memories and feelings into all items I own. Throwing, donating, selling, giving away has felt like losing a part of me. It’s a good thing though, I just have to do it. I know I’ll feel lighter in the end and it will just make energy have that much more room to run around freely.
I also need to clear my stories and the patterns I’ve kept. The rut that I’ve kept myself in an effort to protect myself. They no longer serve me. They are pointless and rather now a multitude of balls and chains. I really try to see the lesson in what I’ve learned more so lately, but I need not collect them. Those stories and patterns served their purpose but keep putting these new layers on while I’m attempting to peel back and get as close as I can to the nitty gritty of who I am.
Also, this means clearing out toxic things in forms of people, way of thinking, behavior, beliefs and so forth. I honestly do expect people to dump me if I no longer align with them on a higher level. I may be hurt but I’ve come to realize that it is just how it is. Sometimes we find out why, most times we just have to move on without ever finding out what happened. On the flip side of that, there are some of those toxic people in my life that I do love and care for. I just can’t have them in my life with where they are in their mind at the moment. They are having their own experience and I think that I can respect the lessons that they are going through from afar. I believe that people can always come together again, friendships ebb and flow so I’m always opening to reconnecting if it works for both of us. In learning to respect and value myself more, this has been one of my must do.
There are more things that I plan on clearing, but you get the general gist. It’s also ever evolving and morphing as I transition and expand. I look forward to reflecting back at the end of this year and seeing how much more I’ve made room for by just clearing the ‘space’. I also won’t be hard on myself if I’m not where I am wanting to be with that. I know that in hindsight, I find that I am always where I am suppose to be because I’m shaped on so many levels from all the experiences. I would like to think that I’m a gold piece being refined from impurities, but made more malleable to life’s twists and turns.
Peace and love.
Oh yes. The constant reoccurring theme that has the perfectionist and need-to-control person that I am, experiencing in high dosages lately. I’ve been working on this by talking to friends, energy healers, reading websites, going through books, meditating on, journaling on, tapping on… etc. I’m paralyzed by it in more ways then one and on so many levels. I have been really making the effort with loving kindness and a more mindful way, to release those blockages. I have been praying for ways of witnessing my fears and stepping out on the other side of it. As a friend recently quoted to me, moving towards ‘giving it wings so it transforms into courage’.
I’ve begun to see the repercussions of letting fear hold me back. Completely breakdown of relationships, barriers I create with friends that I do dearly love, making it harder for new people to get to know me, lost opportunities in work and businesses. The thing is, I KNOW everyone has fear. I am in AWE with how they maneuver life despite having it. Unfortunately, I am that person who wants their specific formula, steps, instructions etc so that I may follow it to a T. My thoughts are “well shit, if it worked for them, it will definitely work for me. I just have to do EXACTLY what they did to be as successful as them”. Why more so now then ever? I’ve always functioned and lived in fear, but then it was because I was playing safe. I was in my bunker and I kept the brave facade up. Now that I want to step into the world, BE present, BE mindful, CREATE intentions and LIVE these intentions, all the ways I’ve tried to play safe is showing me how much I created a lifestyle of avoidance, running away, blocking, pushing back and shutting down.
So, here I am. Traversing this path of insecurities, blockages, fear. I’m also traveling with more intention to clear those blockages, appreciate the fear but not be ruled by it, look at my insecurities and lovingly help ease them out. Here I am sitting in my meditations and placing my hands over my heart and saying that I do love myself, I forgive myself, I am compassionate and patient with myself, and that I am peace with myself. Here I am learning to sit in my fear and say ‘thank you for trying to protect me, but I am strong enough to do”.
Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. *Deep breath* Here. I. AM.
It’s growing. It’s strong. It’s beautiful and I feel most me with these soul sisters and brothers.
To be our authentic self, to love freely and give knowing that you are getting just as much back. To feel this support and to be able to say ‘I let go, I surrender, I TRUST’. Utterly and completely liberating.
With all the multiple balls up in the air, I still feel so blessed. I am grateful.
Thank you Universe/God/Higher Being/Divine Love! Thank You!!!
Missteps To Enlightenment 