Mirror Mirror — Part 2

Now I’m looking into the mirror and searching. So now what?

How do I stop the expectations from morphing into judgements? What is it that people say? “You judge in others what you dislike in yourself“. True, but I want to take it a step further. We also tend to judge others because of the high expectations that we believe ourselves to live by. We self righteously think that if we are able to do this and that, why can’t others? That they are somehow dumber, meaner, inconsiderate, less of something in comparison to you. I am working very hard with the latter concept in regards to the level of respect I feel that I am not recieving (in equal accordance), to the amount I give. In my more fleeting enlightened moments, I know that it is very pompous of me because it creates feelings of anger, insult, of being offended, disregarded, demeaned or demoralize. But what I discover mostly to be true, is that people have absolutely no clue what they have done, failed to do or are doing something that has hurt or angered you. When I have the gumption to confront someone with even just one of these issues, I get a very surprised response of why I would even view the situation as such. Worse yet is when I’ve lashed out suddenly and unexpectedly, thus as a consequence, the emotions flooding out hits at full force. Woe to the person who is the recipient and therefore another one of my not so stellar moments.

So I am coming clean. I truthfully judge people by my insecurities and things I see in others that I dislike of myself. I mostly judge others by the standards I keep and therefore something I always struggle with. The questions and justifications I get has me thinking “Aren’t we suppose to have standards? Can expectations be a good thing?” I don’t know and I’m working through it. I don’t have any answers because I am constantly falling off the path to living the nonjudgemental and loving way.

I do, however, consider myself lucky to have a couple of close friends who can lovingly remind me of some of my mis-actions. Do I get mad when they do so? Yes, but it gently nudges me back in the direction of really making the effort to take pause and reflect. In doing this, you will have to step away to look at the bigger picture. Me, I tend to run even further back because I still can’t see it or even get it. My anger and resentment is clouding the whole process. Yes, I get that it’s a life long process. I just don’t like how I feel when those times pop up.

In the end, the tiny grain of knowledge I get is this: When we have high expectations and standards, we set ourselves up to fail miserably and for others to deeply disappoint you. One can only do the best they can, so trudge on fellow judgers. Because even if we are just slightly improving from the week before, it’s that much better then not having had changed at all.

In The Mood For Love

Can I tell you how hard it is to stay positive when your love life isn’t so consistently ‘happy’?

Very hard.

It bounces you back into the dark place of unworthiness and asking yourself, close friends and loving family why you can’t seem to keep a person. After all, everyone tells you how amazing you are and that the guy who has you as his partner is the luckiest person alive.

So, why am I having a hard time keeping a partner. I guess the most truthful remarks would come from all my past relationships. A few have told me that they wish they had stayed with me. I’m not going to lie, I get annoyed when I hear that because I just want to quickly retort “But you aren’t and I don’t see you making any kind of gesture to remedy the situation”. Yup, still working on letting those feelings go. I know that people who are married usually long for the single days and that single people want to be with someone. We are never truly happy are we?

I’ve been in and out of relationships since my last 12 year one. None last any further then 9 months, average is about a month and a half. The shortest one lasting about three weeks. Each one of them has caused me to shed a tear, or two, or many. You know what it is that causes people to not be able to commit? Fear. Insecurities. The usual suspects, but why? Why do we have them? Why do we even let them control us? We let them take hold and limit the love we long to give and receive.

I’m still working to not my past story fog up any future potentials. I don’t want any other person’s faults and harms attached to me so I try not to do that to my possible partner. What ends up happening is a breakdown (or lack of) communication, rotting the truth and distorting the ‘reality’. I know that I let the mind run rampant with possible hurts and imagined misdoings. I strain at keeping those thoughts in check but it feels like trying to scoop water with a net… It just passes through.

I hope to learn how to let go soon because I really am ready to be in a relationship where I feel deeply loved, supported, trusted, 100% myself and safe. I’m ready to have my possible partner feel that way as well because I’m in the mood for love.